This issue has been playing in my mind a lot - sometimes about to brew over like cola being filled to the brim but never really overflowing until it reached its pinnacle yesterday. I guess the signs were there, most recently, when I did this so-called Tibetan personality test that was sent to me via email. The first question required me to rank 5 animals which represented different aspects according to their order of importance in my life. Didn't really know what they meant initially but just ranked them according to my preference. As I found out after that, this was what I had ranked - 1st) family, 2nd) career, 3rd) love, 4th) pride and 5th) money.

I guess being the eldest, the level of dependence on me is pretty high. Sometimes, when I wanna do something, I really have to stop and think of whether it might have repercussions on other people as well. Like I've said, sometimes it might seem silly or I might be irritated coz something came up of nowhere and it was needed urgently, but I would try as best as I could to fulfill them even if I was pretty drained out at that point of time. That's y alone time is pretty important to me - where I can just chill out and hang around people who understands me and can keep me sane.

But I guess though sometimes, what we feel we have contributed is never enough. It's measured differently especially if u r of a gender where being able to contibute to the demands of the household like cooking, cleaning and laundry is essential in your role. Sometimes, contributing to some aspects especially if u r tired from work is considered lacking. You are trying your best but when your best is not or never good enough, it makes you feel unappreciated. Especially if you are reminded of this fact constantly. N even alone time becomes a problem as it is seen as running away from what you are supposed to be doing.

Sometimes, I do wonder y is it up to this point of time, there's nobody there who can be with me and keep me happy. Someone whom I can turn to in my times of confusion and need, where I can just run away from all this for a while. It's not that I lack faith or I don't believe in Fate, I do but sometimes, I really just wonder. I often tell myself that I am here beside my family coz my family still needs me. My role here is still not complete and that's y I cannot move on. But when my lack of abilities to complete the household demands is sometimes pinpointed as the reason, what can I say right? I have to agree coz it's true. Even it hurts but the fact is it's still true.

I bought a T-shirt the other time that says "Explain to me again why I need a boyfriend." I guess I've found the reason but only time will tell. It's not up to me coz my hands are tied.....